Today was horrendous. I cannot even begin to convey the roller coaster ride that today has been. That is not the purpose of this post, but it is useful back story. I have been dealing with a situation that was created by other people's incompetence. It has been very stressful and was about to cost us a very large amount of money. Today was the absolute last day that I had to resolve the issue. So, that was today! Because of everything I had to do, I did not have time to go home and fix supper for my five children. I decided to take everybody to Qdoba.
Usually when I walk in someplace with my five children, people's eyes bug out. Oftentimes people choose to treat us poorly before they even have a chance to talk to us. I try hard to be super friendly and engaging, and many times I can win people over. It's hard work though, and there is no way I would have had any leftover energy to do any of that today. On top of all this, my youngest son has some special needs. His needs aren't super severe. He wasn't born with Down's Syndrome or something that is obvious to people when they look at him. In all probability with special education and a lot of hard work, he will grow up to be a normal adult with a few possible quirks. When people see him, they usually just judge him as a "naughty, disobedient boy." It's usually only parents who have special needs children who recognize his unique qualities. He is a very challenging child, but he is the most joyful child I have ever met. He exudes joy. I am fiercely protective of him because so many people don't understand or don't care and treat him in ways that can damage his self worth. I've had to sit in on activities, so that I could intervene and explain things to teachers. I quit attending play group. I make sure to have a discussion with pretty much any adult who will be interacting with my child for any length of time. The list goes on and on. Taking him on an outing by himself can be challenging enough, but throw four other children into the mix, and it can be downright exhausting.
Remember all of that. Now, we all walk into Qdoba, and I start ordering for the six of us. When I turned my back, my son starting doing something where he could get hurt. Over comes this man (I didn't realize he was the manager yet), and gently redirected my son. When I turned around and saw what had happened, I immediately thanked him. He gave me a big smile and said, "Oh, it's no problem. I just didn't want him to get hurt." Next, while I am paying, my son gets his meal and starts walking away before I can stop him and promptly drops his food on the floor. This manager kneels down to be on my son's level and says, "That one's dirty now, so I'll ask them to make you another one, okay?" He spoke to my son like he was a human being. The cashier and manager then help us carry all of our food outside and move a table for us, and the manager went in and filled all of our water cups, put lids and straws on them and brought them all out to us. I know it doesn't sound like much, but these people were so incredibly kind to us and went so far above what their job dictated. The most important part was the way they treated my children and especially my youngest son. I hate crying, and I REALLY hate crying in front of people I don't know, but I couldn't help it, I did it anyway. It's hard to describe the judgment I live with everyday when I am out with my children and the way my youngest son is treated by complete strangers and even sometimes by people who are not strangers. Kindness is so completely underrated in our society, but I tend to think that it is incredibly powerful. I was overwhelmed by the kindness of strangers today, and I am thankful that our paths crossed.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Common sense parenting
Okay - I am going to warn you now that I am stepping up on my soap box, so if you don't want to read it, then DON'T! I am so sick of all the judgment and second guessing going on with parenting. When I was a La Leche League leader, we used to tell new moms, "YOU are the expert on YOUR baby." Well, guess what? Moms and Dads are still the experts on our children even if they're four or six or ten or sixteen. Our instincts are the absolute most important tools we have as parents. I read an article about five worries that parents should drop and five they shouldn't. The article is interesting, but it just ticked me off. I'm also sick of the labels we give parents. There's the "helicopter parent" and the "free range parent." Seriously?! I just want to tell all the "experts" to bite me. I'm coming up with my own term. It's called the "common-sense parent."
Here's the five things parents "shouldn't" worry about according to this article: kidnapping, school snipers, terrorists, dangerous strangers, and drugs. The five things it says we "should" worry about are: car accidents, homicide (committed by someone who knows the child), abuse, suicide, and drowning. First off, yes, you can give people statistics, etc. That's all well and good, but do not tell a person what to or not to worry about. I live in Colorado. There have been no less than three school shootings with many fatalities since we moved here. Do I worry about school shootings? No. I am certainly not going to tell someone who lives down the street from Columbine that their worries are dumb. Many of them LIVED it! Our reality forms our perception. That is true for everyone. Not only that, I completely and absolutely believe that the Columbine school shooting could have been prevented. So, while school shootings may be rare, school violence isn't. Shootings may be the extreme outcome, but I don't think it's crazy to think of ways to prevent it. Not only that, if a parent IS concerned about violence at school, maybe they have a reason for it. We need to LISTEN to our intuition. Just Friday, I had an incident at my children's school. It wasn't with a student but with a parent/grandparent. He completely flipped out at me, and I won't go into it, but it was outrageously bizarre. I struggled all weekend with whether I should mention it to the dean or not. Had I listened to the prevailing "wisdom" of the world, I would have just "let it go." Instead, I listened to my intuition that was telling me that something was just "not right." I talked to the dean and found out that this particular individual has already flipped on at least one other person. They kids have only been in school for less than a month. How many people has this man flipped out on that haven't mentioned it? Now I know to keep an eye on this man. I have warned my children about him, and the school knows that he is building a history of belligerence.
The article says we SHOULD worry about car accidents. Their solution though is to make sure our children are buckled properly, in the proper harnesses, blah, blah, blah. Don't get me wrong - I am adamant about my children wearing seat belts, being in boosters and car seats, etc. However, could the article talk a tiny bit about personal responsibility? The number one thing we can do to keep our children safe in a vehicle has less to do with the way they are restrained and more to do with the way we drive. Maybe they need to be saying to parents that they should grow up, slow their butts down, follow the speed limit and street laws and drive defensively.
Then it tells me that I should not worry about my child being kidnapped and worry about suicide instead. Okay, maybe I am niave, but I would see suicide as an issue for children who are at least in middle school and mostly in high school. Is that really going to be valid for my six year old? When she walks down the street to see her friend, should I worry that she'll have an intense bout of depression on the way, climb a tree, and jump? Or would it be more prudent for me to talk to her about safety, what to do if she were approached, how to listen to her intuition, and maybe stand in front of the house, so I can watch her walk half of the way and then have her call when she gets there? Maybe we could throw a little common sense into parenting. Worrying about things is just wasted energy. Maybe our time would be better spent if we could educate ourselves and our children and take precautions on things - even the ones that have a less likelihood of happening. Maybe we could take some responsibility for the things we can actually have a huge impact on such as car safety. The biggest thing we could do though is to trust our parental instincts and beyond that, we could trust that OTHER parents have instincts as well.
Before my oldest went to school, I was convinced that I would home school her. I hated the idea. It made me sick to my stomach, but I was a "good" attachment parent, and I kept hearing and reading that it was the best thing and what all the "good" attachment parents do. Finally, I wised up and realized that home school was not an option that would work for anyone in our family. It would break us apart. I have other friends who have people telling them how awful they are for home schooling. You know, because people that do not raise the children absolutely must know more about the children than their own parents, right? Yes, that was sarcasm. The same thing goes with vaccinations. I researched the heck out of vaccinations and came to the conclusion that the research supports the validity of selective vaccination, but that it does NOT support early vaccination. So, that's what I do. I selectively vaccinate my children on a delayed schedule. I catch crap from both sides of the fence. I have done my research, and I am secure in the decisions I've made. I may not agree with the decisions other people make, but I support them in making educated decisions for their own families.
Could we just agree that we are all the own experts on our own family and leave each other alone?! Would that be too darn difficult? I guess that wouldn't catch as many readers because really what would we have to read about if we couldn't read about how we are all different and one side is better than the other, right? Nobody can love a child like their own parent. I know there are people in the world who should never have become parents, but for the most part, I like to believe that we are all doing the best we can with the information that we have. How about we all love and accept a little more and judge a little less?
Here's the five things parents "shouldn't" worry about according to this article: kidnapping, school snipers, terrorists, dangerous strangers, and drugs. The five things it says we "should" worry about are: car accidents, homicide (committed by someone who knows the child), abuse, suicide, and drowning. First off, yes, you can give people statistics, etc. That's all well and good, but do not tell a person what to or not to worry about. I live in Colorado. There have been no less than three school shootings with many fatalities since we moved here. Do I worry about school shootings? No. I am certainly not going to tell someone who lives down the street from Columbine that their worries are dumb. Many of them LIVED it! Our reality forms our perception. That is true for everyone. Not only that, I completely and absolutely believe that the Columbine school shooting could have been prevented. So, while school shootings may be rare, school violence isn't. Shootings may be the extreme outcome, but I don't think it's crazy to think of ways to prevent it. Not only that, if a parent IS concerned about violence at school, maybe they have a reason for it. We need to LISTEN to our intuition. Just Friday, I had an incident at my children's school. It wasn't with a student but with a parent/grandparent. He completely flipped out at me, and I won't go into it, but it was outrageously bizarre. I struggled all weekend with whether I should mention it to the dean or not. Had I listened to the prevailing "wisdom" of the world, I would have just "let it go." Instead, I listened to my intuition that was telling me that something was just "not right." I talked to the dean and found out that this particular individual has already flipped on at least one other person. They kids have only been in school for less than a month. How many people has this man flipped out on that haven't mentioned it? Now I know to keep an eye on this man. I have warned my children about him, and the school knows that he is building a history of belligerence.
The article says we SHOULD worry about car accidents. Their solution though is to make sure our children are buckled properly, in the proper harnesses, blah, blah, blah. Don't get me wrong - I am adamant about my children wearing seat belts, being in boosters and car seats, etc. However, could the article talk a tiny bit about personal responsibility? The number one thing we can do to keep our children safe in a vehicle has less to do with the way they are restrained and more to do with the way we drive. Maybe they need to be saying to parents that they should grow up, slow their butts down, follow the speed limit and street laws and drive defensively.
Then it tells me that I should not worry about my child being kidnapped and worry about suicide instead. Okay, maybe I am niave, but I would see suicide as an issue for children who are at least in middle school and mostly in high school. Is that really going to be valid for my six year old? When she walks down the street to see her friend, should I worry that she'll have an intense bout of depression on the way, climb a tree, and jump? Or would it be more prudent for me to talk to her about safety, what to do if she were approached, how to listen to her intuition, and maybe stand in front of the house, so I can watch her walk half of the way and then have her call when she gets there? Maybe we could throw a little common sense into parenting. Worrying about things is just wasted energy. Maybe our time would be better spent if we could educate ourselves and our children and take precautions on things - even the ones that have a less likelihood of happening. Maybe we could take some responsibility for the things we can actually have a huge impact on such as car safety. The biggest thing we could do though is to trust our parental instincts and beyond that, we could trust that OTHER parents have instincts as well.
Before my oldest went to school, I was convinced that I would home school her. I hated the idea. It made me sick to my stomach, but I was a "good" attachment parent, and I kept hearing and reading that it was the best thing and what all the "good" attachment parents do. Finally, I wised up and realized that home school was not an option that would work for anyone in our family. It would break us apart. I have other friends who have people telling them how awful they are for home schooling. You know, because people that do not raise the children absolutely must know more about the children than their own parents, right? Yes, that was sarcasm. The same thing goes with vaccinations. I researched the heck out of vaccinations and came to the conclusion that the research supports the validity of selective vaccination, but that it does NOT support early vaccination. So, that's what I do. I selectively vaccinate my children on a delayed schedule. I catch crap from both sides of the fence. I have done my research, and I am secure in the decisions I've made. I may not agree with the decisions other people make, but I support them in making educated decisions for their own families.
Could we just agree that we are all the own experts on our own family and leave each other alone?! Would that be too darn difficult? I guess that wouldn't catch as many readers because really what would we have to read about if we couldn't read about how we are all different and one side is better than the other, right? Nobody can love a child like their own parent. I know there are people in the world who should never have become parents, but for the most part, I like to believe that we are all doing the best we can with the information that we have. How about we all love and accept a little more and judge a little less?
My Louie is 4!!!
My little boy turned four on the 25th. *sniff* He's getting so big. We haven't had his birthday party yet, but we did celebrate and let him open presents. Unfortunately, my stupid camera is not working properly! I've got to get it working before I can get the birthday pictures off it. I did take a few with my camera, and I'll post those. Louis is such an incredibly joyful child. He experiences life to the absolute fullest. We are truly blessed to have that beautiful boy in our family.
This is the gift he got from his buddy Nick.
Friday, July 23, 2010
The B'Shaloms visit!
Our dear friends: Miryam, Joey, Hannah, Benji, Jonah, and Gavi moved to Portland, Oregon last year, and we miss them lots. It was such a great pleasure to get to spend the afternoon with them when they came back to Denver for a visit. I'm so glad they were able to move to a place that makes them happy even if they're far away. Thank goodness for Facebook, so I can still follow their lives! Plus, I think Miryam's mom and dad still live here, so they HAVE to come visit sometimes, right? :-)
I had to get the short video of Theresa while we were at the park because she was just too funny!
I had to get the short video of Theresa while we were at the park because she was just too funny!
Father's Day
Yea, yea, I know. I'm a little behind. I just got the pictures downloaded though! We decided that it was high time to take the kidlets up Pike's Peak, so we went on father's day. Trey and I have been up Pike's Peak three times, but all three times happened within the first year that we lived here. We'd never been since then. We decided to drive up (because it is WAY cheaper, and you have more than 20 minutes at the top). We stopped at the reservoir on the way up. It was so beautiful and peaceful. It was quite cool at the top as well. We could see the smoke from the Royal Gorge fire from the top. On the way down we saw marmots and a fox. It was a really fun day.
Girls' new haircuts
Beth Ann has had long hair for her entire life. She finally decided that she wanted to cut it off! I only asked her about 25 times, "Are you sure???" She was sure. So, we went to the salon where our friend Carrie's cousin Jenny works, and she cut it all off for her. Turns out she had enough to donate. She was very proud to be able to do that. Livi got her hair cut, too. They both loved Jenny and have decided that we ALWAYS have to go to Jenny to get a haircut!
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
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