My body is bad ass

Yes. It is. I, like so many women, have struggled with body image for, well, all of my life. My weight has gone up and down. I have been overweight when I have been jogging and eating super healthy, I have been skinny when I was eating horribly. I have felt that my self esteem has been tied to my weight, but the truth is that my self esteem has just always been low. I just thought I should have higher self esteem when I was thin. I have spent a great deal of my life pretending to be what people think I should be. My body image has been tied to many issues for me. I read recently a quote about how we are not discovering ourselves, we are creating ourselves. I completely agree. The past few months have been teaching me many lessons.

1. I do not have to be a "nice girl." When I was very young, I was bullied relentlessly. Because of those experiences, I learned to be "pleaser." I can find a way to get along with almost anyone. That's not a bad trait, but the downside to it is that I often sacrifice me to "play nice." It has cost me big time recently. I deserve to speak up for myself. The nice girl is gone. She is being replaced by a strong, confident, secure woman who actually deserves to be heard and respected.

2. Shit happens, and it's okay to be upset about it. I get knocked down, but I never stay down for long. I am always bouncing back and saying that things were tough, but I have such a charmed life that I can't stay down. It's just a coping mechanism. In having that attitude, I have only pushed aside things that really need to come to light. I've been trying to punch through things that are pretty darn heavy. It's actually okay to be upset when life hands you a shitty deal. It's okay to grieve when horrible things happen. It's okay to REALLY grieve. Grief is a part of life. It does not have to be pushed away and there is no time limit. Do I want to get caught in a never ending cycle of depression? No, but I will tell you this, ignoring the problem and pushing through only puts the problem aside for later.

3. My body is bad ass. This one might be the toughest for me. Actually, there is no might, this one is the toughest for me. But, it is all true. My body is bad ass. My body has kept me going for nearly 42 years. My body has kept kicking through physical and emotional bullying. My body has ridden hundreds of miles on a bike. My body has climbed mountains and hiked through backwoods. My body has laid wattles all day on a mountain to prevent erosion after wild fires. My body has done physical labor. My body has survived dangerous falls and car crashes. My body has survived illnesses. My body has survived surgery without proper pain medication. My body has survived physical abuse. My body has survived attempted suicide. My body has survived sexual abuse. My body grew and birthed five beautiful, amazing human beings. My body provided milk for those growing people. My body has shown children how to serve a volleyball, hit a baseball, shoot a basketball, and kick a soccer ball. My body learned how to sing again after years and years of not singing. My body has cheered loudly and excitedly over and over for kids I know and kids I don't as they pushed their own bodies in sports. My body danced every night for eight weeks in a show with people half my age. My body has withstood excruciating bouts of insomnia on a level that most people believe only happens in a Stephen King novel. My body kept me going when I had to say goodbye to the closest thing I've ever had to a sister. My body has withstood the cold while I stood with others in solidarity. My body has learned to feel deeply again through music. My body has hugged friends and family in joy, sorrow, comfort, love, and goodbye. My body has embraced strangers at the scene of car wrecks, during national and local tragedies, and in pure joy of a shared triumph. My body has given comfort, strength, and courage to others. Amazingly, NOT ONE SINGLE TIME did it matter one damn bit if I had scars, stretch marks, pimples, or cellulite. It didn't matter if I was overweight or underweight. It didn't matter if my nose was too round, my hips too wide, my hair was graying, or my arms too flabby. There is no other conclusion. My body is bad ass. I owe my body an apology for all the loathing. If we truly are creating ourselves then from this point forward, this bad ass body is housing a bad ass woman. Watch out world!

World's Most Spoiled Rotten Dog

Okay - seriously? Is this NOT the world's most spoiled dog?

What a rotten thing. He had to be right in between us! LOL.

Probably should have taken a picture

Okay, so I am not the most organized. I am also not the best mom, but I try hard. Fast forward to tonight. I am sick. I have an audition and a performance tomorrow! So, I'm already a little freaked out. I'm still memorizing the French words to one of my songs that I needed to work on tonight. I've had many friends give me different idea to try and naturally kick this cold's butt. I wanted to look at my music, so that I could practice the newest phrase while in the shower. So, here I am with this cinnamon paste on my forehead (nasal cavity area), and I'm searching the house looking frantically for my music. My daughter tells me that my sons often gets his white folder and my white folder mixed up. I run into his room and flip on the light looking through his room for my folder. "Son! Have you seen my folder? Did you get it mixed up with yours?" "Mom? What's wrong with your head?" Oh nothing. I just have a cinnamon paste on it that looks like a bindi on crack! "Don't worry about it! I need my folder!" LOL. Here's my "relaxing" shower: hot water on the chest and back to break up the congestion, salt water in my makeshift neti pot to flush my nose, and a careful washing of the forehead, so that I don't get any cinnamon paste in my eyes - all while singing my newest French phrase! After I got out, I smeared my chest with a menthol rub. So, I have a cinnamon-y forehead, a salty nose, and a menthol-y chest! Yummy - not. I hope something works!!!

Finally - pictures!

Here's our Janie. She's a cutie. Unfortunately, I think she has been mistreated. She is so scared. She basically lives in Beth Ann's room. She has ventured out and gone into the bathroom and Livi's room, but that's pretty much it. We've taken her downstairs, and she curls up under a blanket until we take her back upstairs. Most of the time she spends in Beth Ann's bedroom, she spends under her comforter. I'm not quite sure what to do. I brought her into bed with me on Thanksgiving when I was sick. She laid under the covers shaking. I guess we just have to take baby steps with her.


For Thanksgiving, we were supposed to go to our friends' home, but we all ended up with a stomach virus. :( About one o'clock on Thanksgiving, I finally felt like cooking, and since everyone was feeling better, I threw together a Thanksgiving meal. We all basically looked at the food, and then put it away! Oh well. We were thankful anyway, and we are hoping that next year will NOT be our third Thanksgiving in a row to be sick!


This picture is of our kids' choirs from First Universalist at St. John's Cathedral. They recently had the opportunity to perform with two other children's choirs at a fundraiser for The Children's Hospital. It was a huge opportunity for them.

Our new fur baby!

In the past few months, we've lost two of our beloved kitties. Harry died in August. I got Harry in 1992 when he was a tiny kitten. He was 19 years old when he died. I know that is a very long life, but it was still incredibly sad to lose him. On Halloween, our 15 year old cat, Ronnie, died. My husband rescued him, three litter mates, and an older kitten that was obviously from the same home in October of 1996. We miss them both terribly.

A few days after Ronnie died, we started seeing an orange kitty hanging around. I didn't think anything of it at first since there are many cats in our neighborhood. She didn't act like a cat that had a home though. She was very scared of me and would run any time I tried to get near her. One morning we woke up to two foxes in our backyard near the kids' playhouse. After that we realized that this little orange kitty was living under the playhouse. Since she wouldn't come to me, I contacted The Cat Care Society. I was able to rent a trap from them ($50 deposit - refundable; $.50 a day rental). We caught the poor little thing that same night. She was filthy, terrified, and starving.

The Feline Fix is part of the Rocky Mountain Alley Cat Alliance. We made an appointment and took her there to be fixed and tested for FIV and FeLV. All of her tests came back negative, so she is officially the newest member of our family. The veterinarian estimated her age at 3-4 years. She is slowly becoming less and less afraid. We named her Captain Janeway a.k.a. Janie. She's a love with an interesting habit of curling up underneath the blankets. I will get pictures posted of her as soon as I can figure out how to get them uploaded from my phone!

It's been a while

I haven't blogged in quite some time. It's something I miss doing. My goal now is to blog at least once a week. I like having this forum. I like to talk about my children and family. I like to talk about issues that I am passionate about. I like to talk about things that I have conflicting views on. I've realized lately that I need to change a lot of things in my life. I am in a serious slump. Maybe it's because I'm looking down the barrel of 40! I don't know, and I don't exactly know where the journey is taking me. I do know that I want to blog about it as I go along. Blogging also helps me remember all the wonderful things in my life and why I am thankful for them.

It's time for me to take care of myself. I started back to school in January. I am a music education major, and I love it. I love being in school, and I absolutely love having so much music in my life. Somehow I have to get over the notion though that it is selfish to be in school. I take care of everyone else, but since I am in school I figure that is all I get. I have to take care of myself as well. There is so much going on that I have been feeling overwhelmed and oftentimes feeling like I am barely keeping my head above water. I have to make many changes.

One change that I am making is in my eating habits. I truly believe that eating a vegan diet is the best not only for my health but for ethical and environmental reasons as well. I have been an ethical vegetarian for 19 years. It's very hard to be in a "mixed family." My husband, luckily, is a vegetarian, but he is a die hard dairy fan. Eggs aren't hard for him because he doesn't even like them. Dairy though - watch out! I've been very honest with him lately though. I have to do this for me. He doesn't have to change, but I am not going to make food with dairy in it any more. Unfortunately, I also have to cut gluten out of my diet - for good. I have played around with eliminating gluten, and I went without it for quite a while. I though I just had gut issues, and they were fixed. I was wrong though. After eliminating and introducing a few times, I have realized that not only do I have digestion issues when I eat gluten, I also have pain in my legs and feet. That is the part that is the most troubling for me. No food is worth that. So, I am cleaning out the kitchen, and then will be gluten free.

As a student and mom of five, I really need inexpensive and quick meals. They also have to be gluten free and vegan. I know how to do vegan. I know how to do cheap. I know how to do gluten free. Melding the three is proving to be a challenge. I just bought a new cookbook by Robin Robertson called Vegan on the Cheap this weekend. I am hoping that it will help me out! I am also in the process of overhauling my food blog a bit. I want to start updating it again as well. I will be looking for support along my journey! I'll be blogging about other aspects along the way, but this is the first step.