I don't wanna....

I have the amazing opportunity of being the student assistant conductor of our university's top auditioned choir this year. It is a fabulous opportunity, and I am thrilled beyond belief. I have been assigned a song to rehearse and perform with the choir. It's crazy to me the issues with the song. There is a part of me that doesn't want the choir to ever learn the piece, so the conductor will have to take it away from me. Luckily, there's a bigger part of me that wants to be successful. The piece, at its heart, is all about grief. Therein lies the problem. At first, I would only look at the surface of the piece. The conductor forced me to dig deeper. I didn't want to. I really didn't want to. When I did, I cried, and then cried some more. I haven't really delved into the emotional content of the piece with the choir yet because we are still learning notes. We're coming close to the end of that though. We only have one section left to learn before we really start putting it together. Then I will have to face it. I don't really want to burst into tears in front of the choir, but there is a very real possibility of that happening. There is a big part of me that does not want to go there. How can I ever been an effective choral director if I am not willing to let the music rip me raw? The problem is that this piece touches on something SO raw and SO recent. I'm not going to lie, I have also been angry. I really wanted to be angry with the director for giving me this piece. I mean, seriously? What the hell? Of all the pieces that she could have picked for me, she picked this one? And yes, she knows me well. Did she think about that when she picked it? I don't know. I'm not sure I want to ask because I haven't really dealt with all the emotion attached it yet. I don't know if she realizes how emotional it has all been for me, but I think she does. It's not about her though. It's about me. Can I handle this? I have to go there, but I don't want to. How the hell am I supposed to do it right? I have a vested interest not just because this is what I want to do professionally, but because I am determined to make Nick proud. This whole thing is just nuts. I don't know if I am strong enough, but I have to figure out how to be.