Storage Shed

 When our flood happened, we needed to get a storage shed to move our things into. Unfortunately, it has just sat there with stuff in it, and we've been paying on it for almost three years now. It is time for it to go. It has also turned into a dumping ground. We cannot get rid of everything in it, but we do need to pare it down, clean it out, and move out of it! There is absolutely no need for us to pay over $200 a month just to store crap. Today, I spent about an hour in there going through stuff. I didn't make a huge amount of progress. It's a bit overwhelming to be in there, if I am honest. At least I got SOMETHING done. Here are the before pictures (and yes, they are embarrassing): 

A good chunk of the stuff is actually my parents' things, but way too much of it is ours. We have a lot to do before the end of the month. I am not paying $200 again next month. I brought some things home and some things that were the kids for them to go through - books. They actually got rid of about half the books I brought home, so that's good. The below pictures is the box of stuff that I took to ARC and a bag of trash. So, not a big start, but a start.

The below picture is my vision board for this year. It's filled with healthy, whole foods, flowers, clean, decluttered spaces, and tons of words. I've never made a vision board quite like this one. It's more words than anything else. I don't know if I want to talk about it yet, but here's the picture. This year is going to be intense.

I tried the "I love you" thing again today. Again, I had to take a long pause before it would even come out. Then I immediately said, "Oh my god, this is useless." But I changed it. I said, "No. I'm practising self-love. What you practice gets stronger." Well, it's something. 

Basement is coming along

I haven't posted pictures for the past couple of days because I didn't do anything new in the house. I did take things to Goodwill and ARC on the 1st and the 2nd. It felt good to give all that away. We also took our old printer and an old monitor to Office Depot for recycling. That actually turned out to be much cheaper than I expected it to be, so that is always good! I do have another box of old electronics to take to be recycled. I'll get that done tomorrow. Today, we got a lot done in the basement. I didn't get pictures of what we got out. I thought about it in the middle of cleaning, but I was handing stuff to the kiddos to take to the trash, and I figured that I didn't want to harsh that mood! LOL. They were big helps. We got the old cabinet out. That came with the house, and it was crap when we moved in. It's just been a dust and cobweb collector, and it is far too easy to put stuff on there and forget about it. We got three big bags of trash out. I do still have to go back down and take care of some things. We had a bunch of pictures in there that I would like to hang on the wall. They all have to be cleaned because yuck! We had quite a few cans of paint left over from the remodel or rebuild if you will. Right now they are all on my porch. Technically, there were about four I could get rid of because they were empty. They were little ones. Later this afternoon and tomorrow I will be tackling those. There are some that are almost empty that need to be opened up to dry out. We also have some leftover laminate flooring and tiles on the porch right now. I'm going to put them beside the road with a free sign and see what happens. We still have a lot to do in that room. My husband has to go through all his tools and woodworking supplies, but we made HUGE progress:

The last picture is because we finally have a door knob on the basement door! I'm frustrated that I have to say, "Hey! Would you put the door knob on the door?" It still feels like I'm "in charge" instead of having a partner, but it's a start I guess. 

I'm glad to have that done. Well, I'm glad to have MORE done anyway. I mean, we're only on day 5. Our goal for this month though is to get rid of our storage shed. We have had a storage shed since our flood. It feels like there's just a bunch of crap in there. I know it's not "just crap," but if we haven't needed it in two years, we need to get rid of it. Right? My oldest daughter has some of her stuff from college in there. A lot of it will be helpful when she gets her own place after she graduates. My parents also have some things they are storing in there. They moved from a house to a studio apartment when they moved to Colorado last year. We have plenty of room in that basement to store everything we need to store though. I'll be tackling the storage shed next weekend. 

The second "M" that is guiding my 2021 is mindfulness. Having C-PTSD it is very easy for me to "check out." It's not just the PTSD though. It is common for people to drift through a good deal of their lives mindlessly. It's one of the reasons I decided to blog again. I watched a short TED talk last night about mindfulness. I'm going to post it below when I am done. I would like to make meditation a regular practice. I used to meditate when I was young, and I really enjoyed it. It rejuvenated me. I haven't been meditating, but I have been doing some breathing exercises. I have been doing Dr. Weil's 4-7-8 breathing technique. Now, I don't think it is the life changer that he says it is, but I do think it is very helpful. Who knows? Maybe some people have major life changes. It's a good technique though. 

I'm going to try and get my kids to listen to this TED talk and maybe even try what she says. I think my whole family could benefit from meditation. It just seems like we are all so high strung lately. We don't have the patience with each other that we really should have. Our family harmony is not very harmonious. We love each other, but we don't seem to give each other very much grace. I'm trying to start with me and set a good example. I'm still failing miserably, but I wake up every day and try again. I know how important it is to take care of myself. If I don't, I will not have anything left for anyone else. That's a hard thing for a mom though. Everyone seems to always need something from me. I'm still working all that out. I'm a work in progress. In this following video, she talks about saying, "I love you," to yourself every morning. She talks about how she couldn't do it at first. I thought, "Oh, that's silly. I can do that." Turns out, I couldn't. I tried last night, but I couldn't. It felt too wrong. It felt like a lie. It felt stupid. So, I did what she said. I put my hand on my heart and said, "Good night, Misty." Then I went to bed. This morning I tried again. I put my hand on my heart and said, "Good morning, Misty." Still I couldn't say, "I love you." I stood there for at least two minutes just looking in the mirror. Then I said it. Man, did that feel weird. My next immediate thought was, "You're an idiot." Ouch. Not helpful. I'll try again tomorrow. Maybe that will be my mantra for 2021 - I'll try again tomorrow. No. Dr. Shauna Shapiro in the meditation Ted talk says, "What you practice becomes stronger." So, how about - I'll practice again tomorrow.

A fresh start

 I haven't been on this blog for a very long time. Honestly, I didn't realized that I had blogged some in 2015, so that was a bit of a surprise when I logged on today. The intervening, gosh, almost six years, have been..... well..... full. I completed my bachelor of music in music composition. I completed my master of music in choral conducting. My two oldest children graduated high school and have gone to college. We had a house flood that displaced us for more than four months. My oldest brother died very suddenly of cancer. My other brother stopped speaking to me. My parents moved to Colorado, and then my mother was placed in Hospice care. I have been in counseling to deal with compound PTSD. We lost our sweet girl Janie and adopted Piper, D-Mack, Fisher, and Jesse. So, yea, it's been full.

I have decided to get off of most forms of social media. I have been on Facebook since 2008, and I really enjoy being able to catch up with my friends and follow their lives. However, I always feel like I need to speak up when I see racism, homophobia, sexism, etc. The problem is that I don't really think it helps for the most part because it is usually with random strangers. It is causing so much negativity in my life that it is effecting my mental health. I will continue to stand against hatred, but it has to be in a different form. I thought about blogging and realized that it is totally different for me. It is much easier to use it as an outlet but still keep a positive attitude. Blogging is really for me. So.... I guess I'll give blogging another go.

So many hard and traumatic things have happened over the past ten years that it is sometimes challenging to forge ahead with positivity. I find myself struggling to keep my head above water. I have amazing children, and I really want to be present for them. It's felt like I've been existing sometimes but not really living. I am making some big changes, and I am hoping that blogging about them will help me to not give up and keep going. I am half joking calling 2021 the year of Ms. I don't know how much of it I will talk about on this blog. No one reads it, but it is public, so we'll see.

I have been drawn toward minimalism for years. Also, I have had a hard time connecting with my home since moving back in after the flood. It doesn't feel like a home. It feels like an uncomfortable place where we spend time. The past couple of months I have been trying to work on that and make it feel more like a home. I have made some great strides, and it is feeling better. We have a big, loud, rambuctuous family. We also have a good size house, but during a pandemic, it feels not that big. I am commiting to living a more minimalist lifestyle in an effort to make my home feel more comforting and welcoming as well as giving me more time and space to do the things I love. 

I have been decluttering for a while. It was hard after moving back in. I finally realized that we lost things, some things that were really important to me, in the flood. Because of that, I was having trouble letting go of anything. I think I still struggle with that a little bit, but I am getting better. Some of the pictures I post might be a little embarrassing, but I want them to remember how far I have come. I want to make permanent changes. Finally, I think my husband is on board which has been a hinderance in the past. I started my official road to minimalism on the 28th, two days ago. I was having awful vertigo, and I felt defeated because I thought I couldn't do anything because of it. Instead of giving in, I asked my husband to put this big container up on the bed. It is a container of stuff that had been in our bedroom for literaly months. I tackled it. I also spent a bit of time traveling down memory lane because I found a whole bunch of old photos in there. That made me realize that I love scrapbooking. I really love it, but I haven't been able to do it forever because whenever I get my supplies out, things get so cluttered that it is uncomfortable.

I need to make sure that I have space to do crafting. That is one goal with minimizing my life. I know that some minimalist purists would say that my goals aren't in line with minimalism. Well, I don't care what they think. I'm going to do this in the way that will benefit me and my family, and then I'll go from there. My goals may change along the way. We'll see. For now, I am forging ahead. I keeping this online journal to help me. If anyone does find this blog and wants to leave words of encouragement or share your own journey, that would be great. If no one reads this blog, that's cool, too. It's for me. 

Here are pictures of my first two "official" days of minimalism. This mound of stuff is the box I mentioned earlier. The cat leg in the back is Fisher. He was "helping." LOL. 

The second picture is what was left when I was finished. There were a few things that were put up where they belonged. There was a lot of things that I trashed, and there were a few things put in a bag to go to Goodwill. The octavos were from CU (oops), so I sent them back. The doll and Mickey are my kids' keepsakes, so they were put up in keepsake boxes. It wasn't a big start, but it made me feel really good. It was something that had stared at me for quite some time. 

On day two, my oldest son helped me tackle a major problem area. We have a workshop/storage room in the basement. It's where the furnace and water heater are housed, and it is an unfinished room. It could be a usable space though. It has just been a dumping ground and no one really goes in there. These pictures are embarrassing, but here goes:

Yes, it was bad. It's still not good, but it's much, much better. I did not take after pictures because there is still a lot to do, but here is what we got out of there:

That is a lot of stuff! Some of it was trash. Some of it is bound for the thrift store. Some of it is old electronics that we have to recycle. My son was a huge help. When my husband came home, he even jumped in and went through two boxes of his stuff. The second picture is of the things he got rid of. It felt incredibly good to get that done. Of course, all the giveaway is in the back of Dora the Explorer right now, but it is going to Goodwill very soon. 

Okay, so that just scratches the surface, but it's a good start. Until next time...... :)

I don't wanna....

I have the amazing opportunity of being the student assistant conductor of our university's top auditioned choir this year. It is a fabulous opportunity, and I am thrilled beyond belief. I have been assigned a song to rehearse and perform with the choir. It's crazy to me the issues with the song. There is a part of me that doesn't want the choir to ever learn the piece, so the conductor will have to take it away from me. Luckily, there's a bigger part of me that wants to be successful. The piece, at its heart, is all about grief. Therein lies the problem. At first, I would only look at the surface of the piece. The conductor forced me to dig deeper. I didn't want to. I really didn't want to. When I did, I cried, and then cried some more. I haven't really delved into the emotional content of the piece with the choir yet because we are still learning notes. We're coming close to the end of that though. We only have one section left to learn before we really start putting it together. Then I will have to face it. I don't really want to burst into tears in front of the choir, but there is a very real possibility of that happening. There is a big part of me that does not want to go there. How can I ever been an effective choral director if I am not willing to let the music rip me raw? The problem is that this piece touches on something SO raw and SO recent. I'm not going to lie, I have also been angry. I really wanted to be angry with the director for giving me this piece. I mean, seriously? What the hell? Of all the pieces that she could have picked for me, she picked this one? And yes, she knows me well. Did she think about that when she picked it? I don't know. I'm not sure I want to ask because I haven't really dealt with all the emotion attached it yet. I don't know if she realizes how emotional it has all been for me, but I think she does. It's not about her though. It's about me. Can I handle this? I have to go there, but I don't want to. How the hell am I supposed to do it right? I have a vested interest not just because this is what I want to do professionally, but because I am determined to make Nick proud. This whole thing is just nuts. I don't know if I am strong enough, but I have to figure out how to be. 

Stupid Dreams

I am getting really sick of bad dreams. Ever since my nephew died, I have been plagued by bad dreams and nightmares. I just found out that my sister-in-law and other family in Idaho have been as well. I guess it's not an unusual reaction to grief, but it is getting really old. My dreams are mostly about my children, or I just wake up frightened or panicky and can't remember the dream. Last night I had a bad dream about a dear friend. I told her it was only a matter of time until my brain's cycling would include her. I have been very overprotective of my family and friends for the past couple of months. I guess my brain just feels the need to freak me out even more at night. How do you get your brain to just chill the frick out? Ugh.

My brain seems to be going overtime - all the time. It's not always a bad thing. I've been processing a lot. My oldest daughter and I went to see Imitation Game the other day. It is the story of Alan Turing, and the movie shows some of the horrific bullying that he endured as a child. It was pretty triggering. It really got me thinking though. Some people feel like we just have to "move past" what happened to us as children. I'm beginning to believe that what happens to us always sticks with us. It always shapes our experiences. It only stops controlling us when we stop allowing it to define us. We never "move past," we just learn that we are more than the sum of our experiences.

I went to a wedding today. I realized that it was the first wedding I'd gone to since my nephew Nick married his love Suzy. It was weird. It was also my church's first same sex wedding. I was honored to sing in the choir. I was also a little glad that I didn't really know the couple. I kept thinking about Nick and Suzy, and I'm pretty sure I would have just bawled if I'd known this couple better.

The whole "crying thing" has been on my mind a lot lately, too. It seems like my heart just gets ripped up all the time. I'm beginning to be okay with that, too. Yes, sometimes it's exhausting, but I don't think I hate that. It hurts, but I think I'd rather feel things fully. That's weird to say, but I also feel joy deep inside of me in ways that I haven't always. I often feel like I am on an emotional roller coaster, but right now - that's okay. I have always spent a great deal of time with self protection, but I am strong. I get the shit kicked out of me and get back up and keep going. Terrible things are going to keep happening. I can't change that, but I can live. I don't want to stuff who I am. People will either like me for me, or they won't. That is their choice not mine. I'm not going to change who I am to please other people anymore.

I would appreciate it my brain would begin to work things out in a way that doesn't include nightly terror, however. So, how about it brain? New tactic maybe?

When a chapter comes to an end

The past few days I have spent in the mountains with a really great group of people. I have the opportunity to sing for our university's top auditioned choir, and every year between the fall and spring semesters we have a retreat in Estes Park. It's pretty fabulous. We sing and bond, and it is wonderful. I am graduating in December which means this was my last retreat. I spent some time during the retreat out on the big porch overlooking the Rocky Mountains. It was peaceful and contemplative. I could feel that this portion of my life is coming to an end. I love this school, the department, and the people. Singing with the Chorale felt very bittersweet. I absolutely adore our director, and she is amazing. I love the people. Yet, I still felt this tug for it to be over. There's an emotional part of me that really wants to hang onto it all. The rational part of my brain though is whispering, "It's almost over, and that's okay. It's getting time for you to move on." Looking around at our "circle of friendship" on the last night, I savored every second and tried to get clear snapshots in my brain. The experience is something that I will always treasure, and I am forever changed by it. I think I'm ready to finish. I'm almost ready for the next chapter.

Trying to stay upright

I had no idea what to title this post, but "trying to stay upright" sounded fitting. Last night we had a lot of ice, and I, of course, took quite a tumble. I landed on my elbow, and as I laid there on the frozen sidewalk crying out in pain, all I could think of was, "Are you kidding me?!" As a choral conductor, my right elbow is, well, pretty much my most important body part. I was so afraid that I had broken it. I had private conducting lessons, my own choir, a pretty cool thing that hasn't been announced yet (which I will keep quiet even though nobody reads this blog anymore and it is just for me!), and grad school coming up (hoping to get my masters in choral conducting), plus, I am supposed to play the viola in the school sinfonietta this semester. Luckily, my elbow is just very bruised. I'm a little paranoid about falling though. I've been going to the gym and jogging. Olivia and Raymond talked me into running a half marathon with them later this year, so I have started training. I can't run far yet. I ran 1.2 miles yesterday, so I only have to add 11.9 by May. Ugh. It's all good..... I couldn't run today though because it would be too jarring for my elbow. That was really frustrating. I hate trying to get on track and having things knock me off. I can't do anything right now because moving around hurts.

I know this will sound whiny, but I am just ready for things to go smoothly for a while. I am so tired of having to "be strong," "make lemonade out of lemons," "go with the flow," and all that other bullshit. For the past four years, everything I have done has scared me, but I've done it anyway. I've fallen flat on my face, but gotten up and kept going. I have things thrown at me, and I've handled them. I feel like I should feel pretty awesome sauce about all of that, but honestly, I am just tired. I'm beaten down. Sometimes I look back on the past four years and see how I have succeeded, but sometimes I just see the struggle.

I'm grouchy, I'm in pain, and I am rambling......