Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Living on the edge of panic

Yes - living on the edge of panic seems to encompass most of my life. I never feel "good enough" to do it all. After the end of last semester, I told myself that my new mantra is, "I am capable." I think I should put that on big poster board all over the house. I get so overwhelmed and feel as if there is no way that I could possibly do everything that needs to be done. I feel as if I will always fail. Yet, here I am still moving forward. Even after the hell of losing my nephew last semester, I managed to pull out pretty darn good grades. I had a 17 hour semester and my grades were all As and one A-. Not bad. I AM actually capable.

Right now, school is starting in two weeks, and I feel like I am NOT ready. I am trying to pull together everything for the restart of the choir, and I am still scrambling to find singers and replace three that left - two just told me this week. I am trying hard to get my home life organized - no small feat to manage the affairs of seven busy people. I'm trying to make a place for joy in my heart, but sometimes the grief really wants to take over. I AM capable - darn it. I am capable, and I will figure everything out.

On Sunday, I looked at a friend and said, "Can I have a hug?" She gave me an awesome, strong hug. It was a little boost that I needed. I didn't tell her, "Hey, I feel like I'm drowning, and I need a life line!" That's what I feel like sometimes though. Since I can't stalk her and beg for hugs every day, I am trying to find buoys to hold onto. I'm trying hard to be mindful with everything. It's so easy for me to check out. I don't know what I'm doing, but I am plowing ahead anyway. 

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