Friday, January 9, 2015

Trying to stay upright

I had no idea what to title this post, but "trying to stay upright" sounded fitting. Last night we had a lot of ice, and I, of course, took quite a tumble. I landed on my elbow, and as I laid there on the frozen sidewalk crying out in pain, all I could think of was, "Are you kidding me?!" As a choral conductor, my right elbow is, well, pretty much my most important body part. I was so afraid that I had broken it. I had private conducting lessons, my own choir, a pretty cool thing that hasn't been announced yet (which I will keep quiet even though nobody reads this blog anymore and it is just for me!), and grad school coming up (hoping to get my masters in choral conducting), plus, I am supposed to play the viola in the school sinfonietta this semester. Luckily, my elbow is just very bruised. I'm a little paranoid about falling though. I've been going to the gym and jogging. Olivia and Raymond talked me into running a half marathon with them later this year, so I have started training. I can't run far yet. I ran 1.2 miles yesterday, so I only have to add 11.9 by May. Ugh. It's all good..... I couldn't run today though because it would be too jarring for my elbow. That was really frustrating. I hate trying to get on track and having things knock me off. I can't do anything right now because moving around hurts.

I know this will sound whiny, but I am just ready for things to go smoothly for a while. I am so tired of having to "be strong," "make lemonade out of lemons," "go with the flow," and all that other bullshit. For the past four years, everything I have done has scared me, but I've done it anyway. I've fallen flat on my face, but gotten up and kept going. I have things thrown at me, and I've handled them. I feel like I should feel pretty awesome sauce about all of that, but honestly, I am just tired. I'm beaten down. Sometimes I look back on the past four years and see how I have succeeded, but sometimes I just see the struggle.

I'm grouchy, I'm in pain, and I am rambling......

No comments: