I am getting really sick of bad dreams. Ever since my nephew died, I have been plagued by bad dreams and nightmares. I just found out that my sister-in-law and other family in Idaho have been as well. I guess it's not an unusual reaction to grief, but it is getting really old. My dreams are mostly about my children, or I just wake up frightened or panicky and can't remember the dream. Last night I had a bad dream about a dear friend. I told her it was only a matter of time until my brain's cycling would include her. I have been very overprotective of my family and friends for the past couple of months. I guess my brain just feels the need to freak me out even more at night. How do you get your brain to just chill the frick out? Ugh.
My brain seems to be going overtime - all the time. It's not always a bad thing. I've been processing a lot. My oldest daughter and I went to see Imitation Game the other day. It is the story of Alan Turing, and the movie shows some of the horrific bullying that he endured as a child. It was pretty triggering. It really got me thinking though. Some people feel like we just have to "move past" what happened to us as children. I'm beginning to believe that what happens to us always sticks with us. It always shapes our experiences. It only stops controlling us when we stop allowing it to define us. We never "move past," we just learn that we are more than the sum of our experiences.
I went to a wedding today. I realized that it was the first wedding I'd gone to since my nephew Nick married his love Suzy. It was weird. It was also my church's first same sex wedding. I was honored to sing in the choir. I was also a little glad that I didn't really know the couple. I kept thinking about Nick and Suzy, and I'm pretty sure I would have just bawled if I'd known this couple better.
The whole "crying thing" has been on my mind a lot lately, too. It seems like my heart just gets ripped up all the time. I'm beginning to be okay with that, too. Yes, sometimes it's exhausting, but I don't think I hate that. It hurts, but I think I'd rather feel things fully. That's weird to say, but I also feel joy deep inside of me in ways that I haven't always. I often feel like I am on an emotional roller coaster, but right now - that's okay. I have always spent a great deal of time with self protection, but I am strong. I get the shit kicked out of me and get back up and keep going. Terrible things are going to keep happening. I can't change that, but I can live. I don't want to stuff who I am. People will either like me for me, or they won't. That is their choice not mine. I'm not going to change who I am to please other people anymore.
I would appreciate it my brain would begin to work things out in a way that doesn't include nightly terror, however. So, how about it brain? New tactic maybe?
My brain seems to be going overtime - all the time. It's not always a bad thing. I've been processing a lot. My oldest daughter and I went to see Imitation Game the other day. It is the story of Alan Turing, and the movie shows some of the horrific bullying that he endured as a child. It was pretty triggering. It really got me thinking though. Some people feel like we just have to "move past" what happened to us as children. I'm beginning to believe that what happens to us always sticks with us. It always shapes our experiences. It only stops controlling us when we stop allowing it to define us. We never "move past," we just learn that we are more than the sum of our experiences.
I went to a wedding today. I realized that it was the first wedding I'd gone to since my nephew Nick married his love Suzy. It was weird. It was also my church's first same sex wedding. I was honored to sing in the choir. I was also a little glad that I didn't really know the couple. I kept thinking about Nick and Suzy, and I'm pretty sure I would have just bawled if I'd known this couple better.
The whole "crying thing" has been on my mind a lot lately, too. It seems like my heart just gets ripped up all the time. I'm beginning to be okay with that, too. Yes, sometimes it's exhausting, but I don't think I hate that. It hurts, but I think I'd rather feel things fully. That's weird to say, but I also feel joy deep inside of me in ways that I haven't always. I often feel like I am on an emotional roller coaster, but right now - that's okay. I have always spent a great deal of time with self protection, but I am strong. I get the shit kicked out of me and get back up and keep going. Terrible things are going to keep happening. I can't change that, but I can live. I don't want to stuff who I am. People will either like me for me, or they won't. That is their choice not mine. I'm not going to change who I am to please other people anymore.
I would appreciate it my brain would begin to work things out in a way that doesn't include nightly terror, however. So, how about it brain? New tactic maybe?
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